Candy’s for Closers! Trumpian Halloween Tricks
by Spocko
Don't have money for Halloween candy? Hate giving away Halloween treats and love Halloween tricks?
Hate the new office tradition of cube to cube trick or treating?
(h/t Val Rodham)
Think that people who give things to others, without making a profit or getting a big tax deduction, are suckers?
Think that using people in crisis to make money is just smart business?
If so, follow these simple steps for a profitable Halloween. They are based on observing the human who has won the most powerful position on your planet. Since it worked for him, other humans can emulate him to live long and prosper by following his method.
- Put out a BIG empty bowl with sign over it that says, 'Help yourself." or "These are big, take only ONE!" h/t David Feldman
- Next to the empty bowl put a milk carton covered with orange construction paper. Write on the paper "Trick or Treat for UNICEF!"
When people see that there is nothing in the bowl, complain about greedy co-workers who must have taken all the treats while you were gone.
When asked what candy you had, mention the favorite candy of your office rival.
"I'm not saying he took it, but you might want to notice what candy he is eating over the next few weeks."
When you go to other desks, bring your Trick Or Treat for UNICEF carton. Don't take any of their candy explaining, "I don't want what happened to me, happen to you." Then tell the story of the great candy you were going to give out but couldn't because of someone else.
Casually point to your UNICEF milk carton while talking about this. Mention how much you loved Audrey Hepburn as a kid and how she inspired you. Nobody can say no to Audrey Hepburn! Watch people fill the carton!
PROFIT!
The day after Halloween use the donated money to buy discounted candy for yourself!
But wait, there's more!
Leverage the lie!
Tell everyone you donated what you collected to UNICEF plus a significant amount of your personal money. Here's the Trump Trick: Don't give the money! No one ever checks! (It's not like David Fahrenthold of the Washington Post is checking up on your donations.)
A few weeks later post a signed photo of Angelina Jolie, praising your generosity. Again, nobody checks! CNN is not going to call Jolie and ask if she really talked to you on the phone. (White House admits Trump fabricated phone call from Boy Scout leaders, Mexico president-Fox News)
Expand the Lie!
Now claim a cash donation to UNICEF on your taxes. Name multiple charities like The Salvation Army -- since no one can track where the cash in the buckets came from.
(Your taxes won't be investigated by your coworkers. It's not like David Corn is asking you to release your tax returns!)
Continue to point out your rival is STILL eating the candy you accused them of stealing. Suggest that maybe there should be an investigation.
Keep using this trick for years.
Make sure all the new people in the office think your rival is a candy thief.
Repeat rival's nickname every time he is seen eating candy. "Look, it's Sticky Fingers McCoy!"
Make a joke about your rival every time anyone has an empty bowl at their desk. "Uh, oh, it looks like Sticky Fingers McCoy was here!"
If pressed say, "If Dr. McCoy claims he didn't take the candy, I take him at his word." Now switch to stories of thievery in other areas.
Reinforce the lie!
Steal food from the office refrigerator then suggest your rival took it. According to my observations, co-workers will repeat the old false accusations even if they defend the rival.
"Look, I'm new here, I personally never saw Dr. McCoy take anything. He seems great, if a little emotional, and I don't know why we call him Sticky Fingers McCoy. But just to be on the safe side let's lock all the food up, and stop our tradition of giving out candy, okay?"
Happy Halloween!
Signed,
Evil Spocko
